once there was a hot exchange student to hogwarts from new yerk omg omg omg she was a punk with pink hair and seven lip rings and three nose piercings omg and pink hair and blue eyes that were natural like both of them omg anyway hse had lots of piercings and she thought harry and hermione were TOOOOOTally cute and shud get 2gether DIE YOU BASTARDS WHO DISAGREE DIE omg and her name was Esmerelda Sparklypoo Picanic Basket Confectionary Treats Ravenswing. She was half elf half angel half human half alligator and she was pretty fat because all of those halves added a lot of extra weight omg.

and then there was this OTHER girl who was half-wild and raised by wolves and a werewolf and she thought she was in love with lupin and she had grey hair down to her ankles and golden eyes like the sun in the sky omg omg omg and she was tttally gawth even tho that was hard bcuz teh hogwarts uniform was already all black. well, she was GAWTHer still, get it? She wore eyeliner, okay?! And her name was Angua Silvertail Yelloweyes Berrynose Fluffyfur. And, um, SHE thought that Rawn and hermy were teh best0rz and otta get 2gether.

they had lots of fights becuz they did nawt rgree.

"omg ur st0upid wulf grrl!!1 harry nd hermy r teh best0rz!!!!"

"omg no u metal faced freeeeeek!!1!!! ron n hermy haf teh tr00 luvz0rz!"

And so on and so on and so on. Yeah.

And one day, Esmerelda and Angua were having a catfight just like normal! ZOMG! Over who Hermione should be dating! aND THENt they got closer and closer together and then they KISSED EACH OTHER OMGZ0RZ (fuck relationship development!) because hating each other always equals angry!love.

And putting aside their shipping differences, they went into the broom closet to make sweet sweet love to each other, like good little characters in a romance story. SO THERE.

The sad ending happens when they found Hermione and Luna already using the broom closet for angry!sex. ZOMG!

And they killed themselves together because Hermione would never get together with EITHER guy since she was madly in love with Luna, and everyone at Hogwarts was relieved (especially Hermione, who didn't appreciate being fixed up for dates) because they were pretty tired of finding Angua's hair in their plates. Um.

The end!

The moral: omg Hermione/Luna OTP!! <3

The alternate moral: Harry/Hermione shippers who are going insane about the fact that in Half Blood Prince Harry and Hermione didn't end up dating, you all need to get a grip. If you find yourself getting overwhelmingly angry here's a tip: take a break from the computer. Get a drink of water. Take several deep breaths. Scream into your pillow if need be. Read some AU fanfiction if you want. Just please, please, stop all this wanking. It's ridiculous.

Man, if I get flamed for this I am gonna laugh and laugh and laugh.